I  used this gift of super swimming to help my tribe survive for many years by foraging for food in and around creeks and rivers.  I became a legend within the racoon tribe and well thought of by all members of the leadership council.

However, in a ironic and tragic twist, on October 17, 1952, I was trapped and subsequently put down by the man who would later become my human grandfather, Randolph Feathers.  I know it is hard to believe this wild story, but let me just share three facts with you.

1. I’m a great swimmer.
2. I enjoy rummaging through my neighbors trash can.
3. I still hold an unexplainable grudge against Grandpa Randolph.

You do the math!

By: DieselDemon

Each Friday morning I do my ironing. Mainly place mats and my monogrammed handkerchiefs. It is a chore, but by having it on Friday’s to do list it gets done and I don’t dread it all weekend. This system has worked well for me ever since I was a little kid.

I’ve always thought the whole ironing process was clunky and inefficient. The ironing board makes a horrendous sound as I unfold it and the iron always needs water and the cord gets tangled constantly. A few years back I had just finished up my ironing when I happen to see one of my hankies on the ground near my mailbox. I frequently use one to cover my mouth and nose when I check the mail because of all the smoke and pollen (and horseflies). I must have dropped it without realizing it when being chased by a horsefly.  Anyway, I went out and picked it up and decided to go ahead and iron it and put it away in my hankie drawer (downstairs bathroom). I had already unplugged the iron, but I thought it was still hot enough to iron just one more small handkerchief.

It was plenty hot and did a great job without even being plugged in. I was amazed at how much easier and freer the ironing was without the entanglement of a cord. I started thinking about developing a cordless iron. I usually do my invention brainstorming sessions on Saturday morning, but I have to tell you that I was so jazzed about this concept that I rescheduled changing the litter box (Fridays) and decided to go ahead and delve into the invention session immediately following the ironing session.

I must say I have had a very difficult time trying to figure out how to heat the iron and maintain a high degree of heat without electricity. I thought about batteries, but I always put them in backwards and have basically sworn them off. I thought about microwaving the iron to get it hot, but that caused my microwave to spark and catch on fire. Plus carrying the microwave to my ironing area (garage) each Friday morning seemed a bit excessive and strenuous. It has been a long three years and I’ve estimated (if you count all the drawings and clay models) that I have spent over 20 minutes over the course to these three years trying to come up with a cordless iron solution.

I am happy to report that my latest design has solved this vexing problem. I’m able to create and maintain an appropriate amount of heat to iron even the most wrinkled place mats. (How do they get so wrinkled? Beats me). I have designed and iron with a little tiny furnace. Once you build the fire (you have to blow on it) and get it really going you have all the heat you need to iron and iron very effectively. My next invention will be a saw that can be used to saw up the little tiny bits of firewood required for the wood burning iron. 

Also, I need to go change the litter box and give my cat a tetnus shot.  He so dirty.  Dirty cat.

After I learned to read and write, the quality of the journals vastly improved and I journaled steadily through my teen and high school years. 

 I was the only child in a very large family and I was always petrified that someone would find my journals and read them.  These were meant just for me and I recorded and detailed some pretty embarrassing things.  It is ironic now that I share my journal entries with the world, when this used to be one of my greatest fears.

 Motivated by this fear, (when I was about seventeen) I assembled all of my journals and stick figure drawings, dumped them in a barrel, added some lighter fluid and set them ablaze.  Even at the time I was doing it I wondered whether I was doing the right thing. 

 If I could go back in time and change that day I would.  I would have just burned the maps that showed where the journals were buried.  It would have saved me a lot of digging.

Burn Barrel © by gfpeck

His pet cat Birdy didn’t like the show.  Of course that was just a guess on Pippin’s part, he couldn’t read his cats mind, but Birdy got grumpy as soon as the show started.  Maybe Birdy was jealous of how DWTS absorbed Pippin’s attention and the fact that Pippin insisted on showing Birdy all of his costume sketches.  Maybe Birdy was hungry or needed to have his litter box changed, like we said who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat. 

By: Andrew Flechtner // Jenny Lockerby- Birdy Line Dancing Night

He didn’t want to seem rude or insensitive, but after all he felt she needed correction and guidance. This would be painful but, for her own good. If only he could speak dolphin.

2012-6-13 Kick Ball Game © by Gamma Man

“He is no longer affiliated with Disney or the Winnie the Pooh franchise,” said Jay Silkman, vice president of media relations with Disney.  ”He’s been very upbeat lately, and frankly, while we are thrilled for him on a personal level, it’s just not consistent with the character of the depressed little grey donkey, that we all came to know and love.”

Eeyore could not be reached for comment, but neighbor and  long time friend Jack Wineberg indicated that Eeyore has been taking and responded well to the prescription drug Lexapro.  ”He’s a lot more fun to be around, but I’m afraid losing his job may send him spiraling back into that negative mindset that was such a part of his character,”  Wineberg went on to say.

Eeyore © by Sparkly Kate

Blizzard #1 of 2010 - 02.06.10 © by Al Camardella Jr.

But it is likely the most painful thing was the feeling of dread, regret, and despair. Hopes and dreams crushed, destroyed, by one careless action. Some say he defiantly shook his fist at the sky as if to say “Curse you DQ, Why no lid!” as he got out of his car to go order another Butterfinger Blizzard. Something squeaked.

Roberto was gone now.  He had gone on to bigger and better things.  Purina commercials and all the fame and kibble that came with it.  He hadn’t seen him in 15 years (dog years), but  that was about to change.

He heard the boat before he saw it because of the fog and because his eyes were closed and he had been distracted by an oversized horsefly. 

The long boat began to take shape and Roberto’s familiar frame and hang-dog expression came into focus.  He looked good.  A smile and then a wag of the tail, then a bark, and a scratch, a twist of the head and a raising of the ears and then another bark.  Then finally a sniff and a tear.

By: Roberto before he got famous

Clouds © by mnsc

I like watching clouds.  I don’t do it hardly enough, but when I do I feel relaxed and rejuvenated.  There’s a field (parking lot) not far from my house, and I frequently go there in the warmth of the noonday sun and lay back on the cool grass (asphalt).  I watch the clouds go by and imagine them to be horses or fish or giant cloud-like balls of water vapor.

And then I think (out loud), “What if we had to use the scientific names for all plant and animal species in our everyday language?” Boy that would be rough, and now I’m even more depressed.  Easy peasy.

Depressed - "Ursus arctos horribilis"

“We can’t do this here” Morgan said.

“Do what?”  Lambert said as he took another sip of the his beverage.

“Count out the gold.  Why, what did you think I was talking about?”

“Well, I don’t know Morgan, maybe you and Skeeter were going to knock me in the head and take all the gold for yourselves,” Lambert said.

Morgan looked down and bit his lip.  “To tell you the truth, the thought did cross our mind.  Something about this gold that can take a man to a dark place.  I don’t want to be that person Lambert.  I’ve done some bad things, and I’ve hurt some people, but I ain’t going to be that kind of killer.”

Lambert believed him.  “Let’s go to the shed, spread this stuff out on the table and split it up fair and square,” Lambert said as he rose to his feet and brushed the sand off his pants.

Skeeter who had been listening while he pretended to adjust the saddle bags on the horse, sucked down the last drops of his Frappuccino and said.  “To the Shed then, it is.” 

Morgan and Lambert both nodded.

By: robertsharp

And just to clarify, when I say “cornfield”, I mean house and when I say “corn” I mean silverware.  Going to sell some “corn” at the pawn shop.  Do they sell acid?

The picture below is not me, but I thought it would be helpful for you to see what corn looks like.

Morgan walked up and plopped down beside Lambert.  He seemed jittery as he handed Lambert a Starbucks Americano.

By: maya jasmin

The accident happened when Mr. Bedgood, hoping to detain a rival from an upcoming journey involving commerce with a neighboring town, attempted to remove the horse shoes from the gentleman’s horse.  The horse (ironically named Placebo) kicked Mr. Bedgood in the forehead and he was near death for eight days and drifted in and out of consciousness (Mr. Bedgood, not the horse).  After eight days he reportedly sat straight up in his bed and wept.  After that he was a changed man and was friendly and generous to all those he encountered.  He is fondly remembered by the town of New Tolliver to this day and a park near the original livery stable bears his name.

It is unclear whether the kick to the head impacted the physical makeup of Mr. Bedgood’s brain, thereby altering his personality or if simply a near death and traumatic energy caused him to changes his ways.  The tragic irony is that the horse is said to have become very ornery and even surly.  This story is the origin of the saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

By: Smabs Sputzer

“I made that cake for me, not you Zombie!”  Sometimes I just want to cry (tears).

Chocolate cake © by quinn.anya

whale saying Hello © by alesail@verizon.net

When I was younger  I loved taking vacations to the mountains and other exotic ports of call.  However, there were times while I was taking in a magnificent view or breathing in the fresh mountain air from a rocky mountain ski lift, that instead of enjoying the moment, I dwelled on the fact that the moment was temporary.  I was keenly aware that my beautiful surroundings were fleeting.  It was ironic that the serenity and grandeur I was experiencing only served to remind me of and magnify the chaos and travail of my daily life.

However, now that I’m older I have learned to enjoy the moment more.  That’s why, when I go on  vacation, I stay in bed for the entire trip (100% of the time).  ”Hey Ed, we’re going up on deck to look at flock baby whales, you coming?”  ”No thanks.”  I say.    I then muse to myself, some lessons you just have to learn on your own.

COFFEE © by clumsy_juggler

It was still dark when I arrived at the coffee shop. My head was starting to hurt and the jet lag was taking its toll. If I could get some caffeine and just sip on some hot coffee, then I’d be back to my old self in no time. The door was still locked and I looked at the sign and realized the shop wouldn’t open for another 30 minutes. I banged on the door and think I startled the workers who were already in scurrying around making the coffee and sweeping the floor and preparing for the busy day ahead. They starred at me blankly and then went back to their chores. I don’t like preferential treatment (for others), but I wanted coffee. No, I needed coffee.  ”Let me in,” I pleaded “I just want a cup of coffee and I’ll be on my way.”  I cried and drooled and then rubbed the drool on their window. I then moaned and faked injury and impersonated the police. They starred for a moment and continued their work.

Who were these people? How could they be so insensitive and uncaring? Couldn’t they see my torment and anguish? All could be cured by simple cup of coffee. They had gallons of this stuff brewed and just begging for someone to slurp it up. I looked closer and finally made eye contact with the largest of this impervious brood of vile workers who seem to silently  revel in my utter collapse of self control and bodily functions.  He seemed to be in charge and he looked strait at me with his black eyes and gristly lanky tail, and  that’s when I realized they were all rats.

To help in this endeavor I want to pass along the idea to make an Andy Griffith (Live Action) Movie.  I even have done the casting for them.

Andy Griffith:  Mark Ruffalo

Barny Fife: Aziz Ansari

Aunt Bea:  Ferggie (will need old people make up, but now as much as you might think)

Floyd the Barber: Sean Hayes

I was elated with my new (old) toothbrush.  Now before you panic, don’t worry I’m not going to use this old toothbrush to brush my teeth.  I’m going to use it to clean things around the house.  Like my current toothbrush.

Happy Meal Hummer © by gadgetdude

Just the other day I was getting a Happy Meal and when I pulled around to the drive through window to pay, I had to use a credit card because I had no cash.  For some reason I felt it was necessary to apologize. “Sorry, I have no cash ($3.27), I’m just going to have to use my card.” 

I thought it was weird that I felt awkward/guilty about using the card instead of cash.  Afterwall, the drive through cashier couldn’t care less.  Maybe I felt bad because the credit card was stolen.

One of the objections to the existence of these noble creatures (by noble I mean vile, revolting, profane, and without mercy) is that we don’t find any of their bones in the wild.  Surely some of these creatures have died in the wild (from falls or high cholesterol – beef jerky).  My response to that is, “Hey, I know people exists and I’m not exactly tripping over people bones out in the wild.”*

*Did find pine cone shaped like a human vertebrae in 1988.

Dear Mark,

Here are seven things you should not do when you see someone carrying heavy buckets of water:

1. Don’t tackle that person.  This causes them to lose all the water and really hurts when they hit the ground.
2. Don’t kick them in the ribs after you tackle them.
3. Don’t taunt them.
4. Don’t jab them in the kidney with a sharp stick.
5. Don’t put the bucket on their head and wail on it with a stick – that is disrespectful and can cause permanent hearing damage.
6. Don’t roll them into the cave where Killer Bear lives.
7. Don’t fill their bucket with a fresh ant bed that you dug up and then pour it on them as they are writhing in pain from the jabs to the kidneys.

The movie stars Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon (Mystic Pizza) and is remake of the 1969 classic western True Grit 1. True Grit 1, starred John Wayne as a tough as nails U.S. Marshall (Ricky Grit) who teams up with a remarkably clean and well dressed Glen Campbell as the upstart Texas Ranger with a point to prove. They track down bandits in the wilds of 1890′s Montana and bring them to justice.

The remake (True Grit 2) follows the same plot, but features Jeff Bridges as John Wayne. Bridges recently did outstanding work in Crazy Heart and channels some that character’s drunken slurred speech into this portrayal of Ricky Grit. The movie is set in 1973 in Alpharetta Georgia and is action packed from start to finish. Written and directed by the Cohen brothers, (No Country for Old Men), Josh Brolin also makes a cameo appearance as a reluctant villain and general store clerk.  [**SPOILER ALERT**] He is quickly dispatched in the first 37 seconds of the movie, but is expected to get major Oscar buzz. Bottom line: True Grit 2 is the best Matt Damon movie of the year and John Wayne would be proud of True Grit 2.  Jeff Bridges is also in Tron.

Basically, after a few days on the job, I decided to class up the place by greeting people in a thick English accent. “Ello, welcome to Wal-mart, auh (are) you lookin for some figgy puddin, auh (are) you? The patrons loved this (one guy even shoved me to the floor), but my boss, not so much.

However, within a week I was terminated and escorted off the premises by two English bobbies (touché).  My boss cited my frequent profanity laced tyraids and all the shoplifting I was doing, but I’m pretty sure no one knew of about those things, so my best guess is that he hated the English accent.

Eagle from Kerala - closeup view © by Rameshng

As many of you know I a big animal lover and I sometimes think about what it would be like to be an animal.  I even have an idea for a children’s book where a little kid finds a magic lamp, but instead of getting three wishes from Robin Williams, he gets to decide what animal he’d like to be for a day.  The plot would involve him making a horrible choice and having a miserable traumatizing day as an animal.  This way he learns to appreciate being a little boy and how he has it so much better than any animal.  This is kind of a Fantasy Island formula.  Remember how the guest would get what they wished for, but it never turned out to be what they really wanted?

So, as I have been crafting this children’s book plot, I have spent a lot of time (12 hours per day since Labor Day) thinking about what animal I would choose to be.  I did this because I think it is important for me to get this settled before I can write with intellectual honesty about Johnny’s Horrible Choice.  (Working Title)

After much time, research, and gut wrenching deliberation, I decided I would like to be an eagle.  I feel this is a very good choice for the following reasons.  First, you are protected from man, in that it is not legal to hunt eagles.  This is not a guarantee that you won’t get some poacher who takes you out or that you don’t get sucked in to a jet engine, but it lessens the odds of being killed by the ultimate apex predator, man.  Secondly, while there other animals in the wild that can kill an eagle (grizzly bear, cougar, etc), being able to fly reduces the chance of being cornered by some aggressive predator without a way out.  Again, not 100% safe, but safer than being a rabbit (17^th choice in my latest list).  Also, I have always dreamed of flying.  I think this would be the coolest thing in the world and being able to exercise so much freedom and go wherever I wanted would be exhilarating.  But since I can’t afford a plane ticket, I figured flying as an eagle would be the next best thing.

Finally, I’d like to have the keen eyesight of an eagle.  Being able to see a dessert mouse from 20 miles away would be a neat trick.   But at the end of the day, as good as it would be to be an eagle, I’ve changed my mind.  I now choose (effective immediately) to be a cockroach.  This way I could survive a nuclear war.

My waxing nostalgic and trip down memory lane came crashing down when I realized that I was not looking in my closet, but had wondered into Baby Gap.

By: Alan Light

Rankin Calvert had all just about any man could want. A pet raccoon name Larry and a house in the hills with all the fixings. He never seemed sad or lonely and had a kind word for everyone he met. He told me his one regret was that he never learned to ride horses. I’m not sure why, but this really set me off.

First, if that is your one regret, then by all means learn to ride. This is not some insurmountable goal. Go for it and stop being such a chicken. And while you’re at it, stop going on and on about how raccoons make the greatest pets. They don’t. The growl, bite, and attack; and unfortunately for me and my left earlobe, not in that order. You got lucky Rankin. You got lucky that Larry has a pleasant disposition, but don’t you dare presume that just because your raccoon is the epitome of class and a loyal friend that all raccoons are. They’re not. Just ask my pinky toe.

Also, if another shark or fish dared me to do it, I probably would.

A bear deprived of honey is worse than a one armed man who doesn’t like honey, but is angry about his arm… that the bear ate #bearproblems

— Ed Feathers (@edfeathers) January 29, 2013

Another thing about my vandalism addiction (don’t judge me because it is a disease) is that all of my vandalism, to date, has been self directed.  Meaning that, I egg my own car and slash my own tires (expensive), and throw my own pizza, etc..  I’m just glad eggs are still cheap.  Acid recipe?

If I could do real magic, I would still pull a rabbit out of a hat, because who doesn’t like that? The rabbit? Not sure?

By: wrestlingentropy

The grass hopper made eye contact with me, but he didn’t seem sad. He seemed resigned to his fate. However, we only stared at each other for about 20 minutes, so I may have misread what he was feeling. He could have been upset, terrified or just in shock. It is really hard to say, but my first read on it was not that he was sad.

By: whgrad

By: John Tann

By: Zhao !

ething like that to cleanse my pallet.

What would really blow my mind is if the same person took my order, but he had snuck in the back and changed uniforms.  Then we’d get into this witty dialog:

Ed:    ”Wait, didn’t you? (pause) But, aren’t you the same person who took my taco order (just meat and cheese)?” 

Fast Food Attendant:  ”Guilty as charged!”

We’d both start laughing and I’d look straight into the camera and give a thumbs up.  Roll credits.

Other possible combination of stores, to take advantage of the synergy:

1. Pizza Hut/TCBY
2. Huddle House/Waffle House
3. Gap/Baby Gap
4. PetsMart/Dog Food Store
5. Joe’s Snake Emporium/Joe’s Snake Anti-Venom Emporium

Alas, spring would come and I by mid March we moved out of the cave and things just seem to pick up for me.

By: Ali West

Pumpkin Cat © by bwats2

Pumpkin’s favorite place to stalk lizards was the woodpile out by the shed.  He sat out there all day watching lizards and occasionally a mouse. He was a great hunter. Later in the day he would ascend to the very top of the woodpile and sun and sleep the afternoon away. You would of thought he was a mighty lion looking down from Pride Rock over his kingdom. But every night he’d come inside and curl up by the fire then make his bed at the foot of my bed and burrow in under layers of blankets for a warm cozy night’s sleep. He never complained and gave unconditional love. Yep, he was the best pumpkin I ever had, that’s what made it hard to cut him up and turn him into Randy, the best Jack-O-Lantern I ever had.

That’s when someone  said, “Hey Debbie Boone (You Light Up My Life had just gone platinum, so it was an honest mistake), why don’t you skate like that in the Olympics?” Well Dorothy, laughed it off at first, but then she got to thinking, “Why not?” and she signed up for the Olympics. Well, back then they didn’t have women’s figure skating, so the Olympic Committee laughed real hard and told her “…that she’d be an Olympian when hell froze over.” She thought that was ironic since her sport required something to to be frozen over in order to have some place to skate. She couldn’t tell whether they were just being mean or trying to be funny. In those days sarcasm was kind of a new thing too.

She decided to make a protest and cut her hair to get voted into the Olympics. The Olympic committee was very impressed by her dedication and gave her call. They told her, “We have some good news and some bad news. First we’re going to let you in the Olympics and secondly, you look adorable in with your new haircut, and guess what? There is no bad news!” Debbie was real happy and went on to win 17 gold medals that year and she also married actor Mark Hamill.  She has kept her haircut even to this day to reminder her of how much she loves peach cobbler and Debbie Boone.

Yoda! © by Ataca Esquimal

I sometimes turn the sound down to movies and TV shows and make up my own dialog. This is a fun creative exercise that can make that tired old sitcom seem brand new. I recently did this with the movie “The Empire Strikes Back.” It was going pretty well until I got to the part of the epic battle between Luke and Darth Vader. In my version (I do all the voices) Vader says to Luke…“Luke, I’m your cousin!” Mark Hamill then proceeds to grossly overact. What a little diva.

Also, Yoda has a potty mouth.

1. When examining a litter of puppies try to pick out a puppy from the middle of the pack.  You don’t won’t the runt (no offense to runts out there), but you don’t want the dominate aggressive pup either. The “monkey” in the middle is the one.  Not sure if this same advice works with prime apes, but it probably does.
2. Take the puppy and gently roll him/her over on its back.  If they squirm and squirm then this is not a good sign.  If they are patient with you and let you roll them on their back without making a big fuss, then this is a good sign of a gentle dog.
3. Finally, while standing away from the brood of pups make a loud noise, like dropping your keys.  Notice their reactions, being slightly startled is okay, but reacting to the noise aggressively is not a good sign.

iPhone weather today via The Weather Channel © by Wesley Fryer

Don’t get me wrong, I like good weather as much as the next guy.  So why don’t you go talk to him about the weather and leave me alone you arrogant jerk!

It is really a fascinating story.  As it turns out Maynard Kremski (hence the name)  was rummaging through his grandmother’s attic when he came across an old journal full of recipes.  There were no donut recipes in the journal, but he found a Borders gift card that still had $13.00 left on it.  A few days later he went to Borders and bought some magazines (he liked to fish) and one of those magazines had a recipe for donuts.  He started making the donuts in his basement and selling them to truckers to help keep them a wake on long halls. The rest is history as they say and that’s how the donut was invented.

1. Disney World:  The comfort reason actually outweighs the sanitary factor on this one.  Sure walking around the Magic Kingdom without shoes is nasty and disgusting, but I think with all the walking and hot surfaces and splintery wood decking makes Disney World and awful place to go without shoes.
2. The Desert – sharp rocks, hot sand, prickly bramble bushes, and cacti make the desert one extreme place not to be caught without your shoes.  (Not to mention the snakes and other critters)
3. Any public restroom:  This is disgusting.  Walking around on that cold tile with the little squares and then stepping in something wet. Gives me the shivers.
4. Bob’s House of Scorpions:  Sure Bob has nice thick carpet that makes you want to shed your Tevas and let your toes wallow in all that thick shag carpet, but scorpions love it too and, trust me this is not a good call.
5. Swimming: This really just applies to me.  Because of a wart virus my toes look remarkably like bait fish (warts look like eyes).  So a swim in virtually any body of, water without toe coverings, is just inviting an aggressive and disturbing attack from a hungry mackerel.

Luke & Tauntaun © by Matt Perreault

District line Train at Earl

I recently saw the movie Unstoppable with Denzel Washing and new comer Chris Pine. Many of you may remember Chris Pine from his role a few years ago, where he played a female boxer being trained by Robert Duval. Duval, by the way is one of my all time favorite actors and an American treasure.

The movie starts off with Denzel and Chris (not their names in the movie) taking a leisurely train ride, when all of a sudden, the train ain’t got no brakes! This train, named the SS Unstoppable, is traveling a bazillion miles an hour as no one knows how to stop it. They even try shooting at the train, which was remarkably ineffective. I also must say that Rosario Dawson is wonderful as the 911 operator with a heart of gold. However, the real drama comes when the characters build a bond and find they have more in common with each other than they first thought. They unite by taking on the singular goal of trying to stop the train. [**SPOILER ALERT**] In the end the trains runs into the ocean and they jump off right before it crashes into the sea.

The movie was very exciting and very well acted. One complaint is that I wanted to see more animals. I would have liked to have seen animals talking and taking part in the problem solving part of the movie.

President Abraham Lincoln. © by USDAgov

I bet once a week people ask me, “Ed, if you could have five people over for dinner (living or dead) who would you invite?”  I think this is a very intriguing question.  So, here’s my list.

1. Abraham Lincoln: What a interesting and honorable man.  Such a sad story too, with the Civil War and his tragic death, so I’d like the dinner to upbeat and see him laugh.  I’d also want him to wear modern causal clothes.  I’m thinking jeans and a Gap sweatshirt/huddie.
2. Jack Handey of Deep Thoughts fame (or his friend Don if he couldn’t make it).
3. Mark Garnett (cause we are going to need help cleaning up later)
4. Jillian Michaels form Biggest Loser
5. Bob Saget – Dressed as Abraham Lincoln

This is going to be awesome.  Think I’ll get cheese platter from Costco to get the party started.

Also, I was recently having a conversation with my friend/financial planner Ted, and he mentioned something, then all of a sudden nothing came flashing back to me.  The conversation, surroundings, and environment were not familiar at all.  I felt in no way that I had experienced any of it before.  Ted was frustrated, because he said we had talked about this same event over and over.  But It in no way felt familiar to me. I fear I have been blessed/cursed with the gift of Reverse De-javu.

1. Get a job interview with a company that is looking for someone with your qualifications.
2. Finish each sentence with: “lol” or “If you know what I mean?”
3. Frown a lot.
4. Listen to music with headphones.  Works better if you don’t have fancy IPod, but have 1980′s vintage tape deck.
5. Pick at something.
6. Use the word fester.
7. Mention that you like soup.
8. Use the phrase. “Can I be honest with you” at least three times.
9. Slump or lie down
10. Whistle

photo © 2010 Mike Licht | more info (via: Wylio)

© by Photocapy

If I were a giant cockroach, I’d hope that I was bullet proof, cause you know people are going to take their shots. They wouldn’t realize that I was a peaceful, intellectual, cockroach that only hunted people for food and not out of some twisted desire for mayhem and vengeance.

lemon water © by Scrap Pile

I frequently order water to drink in restaurants.  It is much cheaper and who needs the extra calories, right?  It never fails that the server ask if I want lemon in my water.  I don’t really like lemon in my water and never see anyone at their home have lemon in their water.  I guess it is just a restaurant thing.  However, the server kind of makes me feel less sophisticated and embarrassed if I don’t want the lemon in the water.  So I usually enthusiastically say “sure I’d love a lemon in my water.”

However, when the server returns with my water, I fish out the lemon and toss it on the floor. I have found that when I do this in front of them, that they say things to me that make me feel even less sophisticated than if I had refused the lemon in the first place.

Therefore, as kind of a public service message, here five places not to shoot a flaming arrow:

1. A police station – (not as funny as you might think).
2. At a crowded gas station.
3. Any food court.
4. Castle walls (just kidding, it is entirely appropriate to fire flaming arrows at castle walls).
5. Other people with flaming arrows (only leads to escalation of conflict).
6. Your eye.

By: Tomasz Dunn

By: Bob Haarmans

Rented the Bourne Legacy last night on DVD.  The movie stared Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz.  Rachel looks so different in all her movies and I had to check IMDB.com to make sure it was her.  The Red Box didn’t have the Blu-ray version, but I don’t think this took away from the movie at all.  In general I thought the first half of the movie was the best and then it got a little boring during the second half.  This was the part of the movie that takes place in Philippines.   This has nothing to do with the Philippine people or the country (it gets hot and humid there), but the car/motorcycle chase got a little boring.   I liked the movie the  best when we got to see the characters developing and engaging in dialogue with other characters.  The action was just okay and we really didn’t see anything we hadn’t seen before, except for in the beginning of the movie.  The beginning of the movie has some cool stuff going on with a drone, a rifle, and a wolf. 

I thought the wolves were symbolic and foreshadowing for the bad guys that would later pursue the main character.  Wished the wolves would have had a bigger part in the movie.  I think they would have gotten really hot in the Philippines.  It gets very humid there.  Do wolves sweat?  Can they be shaved? I’m not sure I would have wanted to wolves to talk or be all CGI, I’d just want their symbolism developed more and for them to play a bigger part in the story, and maybe wear hats so we could tell which wolf was which.

Also, props to Ed Norton.  He did a great job as one of the bad guys and he did the voiceover for one of the wolves.  He’s just so good in anything he does.

I really feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of money making opportunities.  I have ideas all them time only to see someone else do them way after I’ve thought them up.  Here’s a list of just a few items that I had the idea for, but never did anything with and now someone else has become a millionaire by inventing it.

• Shake Weight
• Snuggie
• Chia Pet
• Electric Hair Dryer
• Solar Power

chia pet! © by JulieFinestone

Now with only one more wish, I’d wish for new shoes that fit my new sized feet, “Oh wait….now who’s laughing?”  The genie is laughing.

40+60 Feet, Euw. © by bark

Note:  the picture above displays the outfits and different suits I’d wear in outer space.  I think the green one that looks kind of like the Riddler would be the least practical, but when I broke it out I’d really get noticed and impress a lot of the other astronauts and aliens attending the party.  Who knows, I might even be able to do the moonwalk in zero gravity.  Isn’t that why it’s called the moonwalk after all?  Is it really less impressive if you do it on the moon?  I think it would be less smooth and more bouncy, based on the astronaut footage of moon walks I’ve seen. Of course, you probably wouldn’t have a lot of parties in space (because of the cold), but I would be ready.

They were shocked and disappointed to learn that dolphins appear to universally hate humans and have a running joke about how the whole dolphin saving humans from sharks is just a hoax.  “They just seem so bitter and angry,” one researcher said on condition of anonymity.

Dolphin! © by purpleslog

1. I like peanuts.
2. I like short sleeve white button down shirts.
3. Your copilot is your automatic built in best friend that is required to be your best friend.  (You’ve got to admit that the copilot in the picture above looks like an awesome best friend).
4. Airport food.
5. Build relationship with TSA workers.
6. Don’t have to worry about icebergs like you do on ships.
7. Free in flight movies.
8. Would get to race other planes.
9. Satellite Radio.
10. People would have to call me Maverick.
    

    Southwest Air pilots © by Muffet

Spaceman

As many of you know I recently spent some time on our Mars colony.  One of the biggest concerns for people who want to go to Mars, is the trip itself.  I have heard reports where some people say it takes six years to get there.  That is completely false.  It takes about a day and most of this time you are sleeping.  Turns out, Mars is really not that far away (in space years).  It is much smaller than we first thought.   It is only about the size of Alaska. The scientist who first estimated the distance got it wrong and the scientist that came after him just didn’t question it.  It just looked bigger because we thought it was a lot further away than it really is. Classic case of “group think”

However, one thing they did get right was the dust.  It is simply horrible.  It gets everywhere and you taste it in your mouth (after you eat it) for days.  It would be comparable to living on a planet full of cinnamon without the cinnamon odor.   But, the main thing I want to talk about in this article is the trip itself.  In some ways it was delightful, but in other ways it was annoying and irritating.  Small little things that could have made the trip so much better, that NASA simply dropped the ball on.

For example, as you might imagine, we are strapped in pretty tight in our launch chairs.  It is hard to move around, so I wanted to plug my iPod in before we took off to keep the battery fully charged for the whole trip.  I had just downloaded seasons 1-3 of the Gilmore Girls and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  Well, guess what?  No cigarette lighter chargers.  I mean at some level I understand this, but really?  If we can put a cigarette lighter in a Ford Focus, come on NASA, spring for the extra $75 to put one on the shuttle! When I ask about it (complained), everyone acted like I was being riducuolus.  They even told me that I wasn’t allowed to have electronic devices on during the launch.  The pilot told me that the company line was that it interfered with cockpit communication, but that they were actually more concerned about me dropping it and then while fishing around for it in my launch suit, accidentally hitting a wrong button or flipping some switch.  I Velcro my all of my electronic devices so I can attach them to my person, so you would think they’d cut me some slack.  Again, not the end of the world, but work with me NASA.  And I don’t like being mislead about the whole interfering with cockpit communication thing….(to be continued)

Otters playing © by monkeywing

As promised I have more otter stuff.  This is the actual video of the otter attack from my prior post.  It is clear that the otter was being provoked by this wildlife Paparazzi. This however, doesn’t condone a violent attack.  Things like this make me glad that I chose my dream job to be an airline pilot, so I don’t have to put up with angry otters or otter paparazzi.  I know I didn’t include this reason on my list of why my dream job is being an airline pilot, but I think it is implied.  Ironically my co-pilot best friend from the picture in my airline pilot post is named Jimmy “the Otter” McGhee.

Note to videographer, typically it is best to edit out the parts of screaming like a little girl when being attacked by a wild animal.  I speak from personal experience.

Hurricane Dennis © by Greencolander

If I could control the weather, I’d shorten hurricane season by three days, just to ratchet the stress level down a few notches.

Blackbird © by Chris. P

I’ve heard it said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I tend to agree, because when you are in a firefight in the bush, birds typically are of little to no help. Unless of course they’ve had the proper training (Mr. Feathers, you know who you are, LOL!). But then again, if you are in a firefight, and one hand is occupied by the quintessential “bird in the hand”, you are at a slight disadvantage whether in a bush or not. Touche my feathered friend. Well played. Well played indeed.

Caribou, Minnesota © by afiler

People always ask me, “Ed if you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?” I tell them I’d be a caribou because I like the beach, but I’ll only do it if I get one of those funny hats and my best friend has to be a bird that lives in my antlers. Not my current best friend, but a new best friend that is created when I’m turned into a caribou. He’ll have to make some adjustments for the hat. Okay it is settled then. I”ll do it.

Charlie Angels and Bosom Buddies will lead the way for the new lineup. “I’m not sure things could get any worse and we are excited about reintroducing Tom Hanks (pre-Splash) to a whole new generation of Americans.” Mr. Greenberg went on to apologize for the whole Desperate Housewives thing as well.

Cardinal © by ltshears

A few days ago I blogged about bathroom signs and how they can sometimes be confusing and about how I am afraid of walking in the women’s room because the signs are kind of ambiguous.  However,  I have now thought up and ingenious solution.  I think that we should use the cardinal bird as the universal bathroom sex identifier.  Everyone knows that the male cardinal is red and the female cardinal is tan-beige.  Therefore, posting appropriately sexed cardinal signs on all bathrooms in the country is quick easy way for people to always (100% of the time) know they are going in the right bathroom.

You wouldn’t even have to make the signs in color, because it is common knowledge that the male cardinal (the brown one) is 10% larger than the average female.  This solution is failsafe and foolproof.  I’m thinking of writing the Bathroom Sign Board of Governors to make my suggestion.  If any of you have any sway in this area, feel free to run with this idea.

Garage Sale © by besighyawn

Just the other day my son asked me the difference between a “Garage Sale” and a “Yard Sale.” I told him that a yard sale was when people pulled old things or things they no longer wanted out into their yard and other people would come and buy them. I then told him that a garage sale is when people leave their things in their garage, but you can come in and still buy them…and that if you waited until the owners are not at home, that’s when you got the best deals. Look…an air compressor – one penny!

#32/366 Anger In The Eyes © by bobsfever

I’d write the scene like this. Horse turns around and looks at Superman, with an expression of like “Really?” Superman then pats the horse on the neck and says, “Believe me, I don’t like it better than you do!” I can just imagine the folks in the theater rolling with laughter. Gold pure gold!

Horse © by Moyan_Brenn (BE BACK ON 23TH FEB)

Stay tuned for more post about otters and the things that otters do.  I will also post a lot of pictures or otters.  Stay tuned, more otters coming up.

Lunch Box © by Apreche

It never seemed easy.  Monday’s came each week at the same time, but they were always hard.  He stayed in the shower and extra twenty minutes, trying to wake up.  The water was cold and the lunch box was still empty and if it could talk it would say, “Hey,  I’m empty.”  But his lunch box couldn’t talk to him or be his friend.

He had no friends and that is what he needed most, a talking lunch box to say, ”Hey friend.”

So now on to the movie part of the movie. I watch Screenvision for 40 minutes. (I like to get there early). Here’s tip, during the Screenvision trivia, all of the answers are either George Clooney or Lady GaGa. Now the lights dim and we get to the previews. Don’t remember any of them. Seems like there was one about a cartoon dog that dies and then is brought back to life.

Finally, the movie starts. The opening sequence gets your interest right away, but I’m not sure what it meant. You see a human like alien drinking coffee near a water fall while a spaceship hovers overhead. The next scene is a group of scientist discovering cave drawings and seeing a star pattern that is present in other cave drawings. The logical conclusion is that this is a map to a moon of a planet many light years away (Nebali).

We then meet Dave the ship android. He rides a bike, watches movies, and dyes his hair while the human crew is in hypersleep.  The ship is cool and the technology is fun and this Dave guy is a real hoot.  The technology seems more advanced than the sequels.  Weird right. The crew wakes up and now they are ready to land on the planet/moon.  They are searching for the origins of life.

The fly through a little storm and pretty much land right on top of some ancient ruins.  Pretty lucky, or is it?  Well, they decide to go gallivanting into these ruins and touching slime and stuff.  They don’t seem that cautious and as one of the characters compares finding these ruins to Christmas and he wants to open his toys and then put on his Christmas PJ’s and eat lots of chocolate and watch Elf.

They find themselves in these tunnels exploring in the dark.  They somehow trigger a hologram playback of some humanoid aliens running from something and then falling over dead.  This was a cool scene and different then what we’ve seen before in the Alien series.  There are a few twist, but the rest of the movie is the typical infection and then

“I’m so shocked that I’m infected” and

“Hey! is that a flame thrower?” stuff that we’ve all seen before.

Guy Pierce makes a cameo, but you’d never know it was him because of the make up.  Leads me to think there will be a sequel.  The movie definitely left room for that.

So, as Prometheus a prequel to Alien.  100% yes.  It is pretty obvious if you seen the first movie (Back to the Future).

You can tell even more about a man (who is unconscious) when you rifle through his pockets find those yummy crackers that he has been hiding from you.

Desert © by Moyan_Brenn

It is not uncommon for me to cut a steak into 300 pieces.  Imagine a woodpecker eating a plate full of grain and you should get an appropriate visual of my impressive skill.

woodpecker at the nest site © by jans canon

He harkened back to his days before he had come to the farm,  in west Philadelphia where he was born and raised. On the playground is where he spent most of his days; chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and enjoying shooting some b-ball outside of the school. Then a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared. And said you’re moving in with your auntie and uncle in Iowa.

iowa sign © by Jo Naylor

Time Machine (coming) © by a2gemma

If I had a time machine (I’m not saying I do or saying I don’t), I would sometimes just travel into the next day to checkout the weather. I mean it would be nice to know how to dress appropriately and whether to carry an umbrella. How many times have you angrily shaken your fist at the sky and said “We can put on the moon, but we have no scientific devices that help us predict the weather!”

Oh,and by the way, Birmingham, Alabama, a little bird (from the future) told me it was going to be cold warm tomorrow.

In an homage to John Locke I commandeered an airport wheel chair and started popping wheelies and seeing how fast I could go, while shouting “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”  When I hit the moving sidewalk I approached speeds of almost 20 miles per hour.  Fastest enough to have kids screaming and to get tased.

Sólo descarga © by Daquella manera

caveman drawing © by adKinn

The caveman should be admired and respected as much as any of our forefathers.  But before you start heaping praise on the caveman, maybe you should learn a little about him.  Don’t just lift him up as an example for modern man without knowing some facts.  Don’t sell your admiration that cheaply.  Get some self respect.  The caveman certainly had self respect.  He respected himself for his hunting and gathering skills.  He respected himself for his facial hair.  But did you know that the caveman did not live in caves?  This may be an enormous surprise to you, but I think we have established that you really didn’t know much about cavemen in the first place.

Look around. Do you see a lot of caves?  Probably not.  That’s right, there is a shortage of caves and there weren’t any more caves in caveman time than there are today. Some of the wealthy highbrow cavemen may have lived in caves.  These were kind of like the gated communities of yester-year.  However, most cavemen lived out in the open or in holes in mountains.  These holes in the mountains typically had a small cave-like entrance, but then opened up into large expansive cavernous rooms.  The cavemen decorated these rooms with drawings.  They made ink from smashing berries and depicted their adventures of hunts and wars they fought (wars were mostly with highbrow cavemen) on the walls of their homes.

While we can’t say for sure, most experts agree that these noble cavemen were simple and plain folk.  They didn’t envy us for all of our modern conveniences.  If you  offered a caveman an iPhone, he would have just smashed it with a rock. They went about their day trying to provide for their families, grunting, and seeing to it that their young-ones had a proper education.  And while that may not be impressive to some modern day highbrow cavemen, it sure is impressive to me.

Grace © by troismarteaux

There have been a lot of dogs that have lived on this planet of ours.  Thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands.  It is really hard to say.  Are there more dogs living today than people?  Probably not, but there are a lot of dogs (China?).  But just take the number of dogs living today and multiply that times the number years since dogs first existed and you have thousands upon thousands of dogs.  I think the point I’m trying to make is that while no one can say for certain how many dogs have every lived and whether a lot of dogs were short haired, wire haired, or shaggy, we can say with certainty that there have been quite a few dogs that have graced this wonderful planet of hours.

Milo, was the best dog that ever lived.  Why, because he saved my life.  In the Fall of 2011, I was scouting the north woods in upper Maine for some new ice skating sites.  Finding these in the spring is key.  Milo, my 180 pound bull mastiff was by my side when a she-bear leapt from behind a tree and looked at me with an awful, “I’m going to eat you look.”  However, that ornery she-bear made one mistake.  It didn’t know I was carrying bear spray.  I gave her good shot to the face and she high-tailed-it to who knows where.  (Seriously, I have no idea where she went.  I’m not a bearologist, so forgive me if I don’t have bear tracking collar at the ready at all times). Milo did nothing but wet himself.  I think Milo felt really bad about his cowardice and that is what gave him the motivation and strength put on one of the most impressive displays of strength and bravery that any dog has ever displayed.  Shaken but not deterred from my quest for the perfect ice skating lake, I pressed on.  Bear spray in hand.  Where there are she-bears, there are usually he-bears and kid-bears.

Milo looked nervous too, but resolved.  That is when I large beehive fell on my directly on top of me.  The hive got stuck on my head.  It was like I was in some warped cartoon.  Stumbling about as bees were stinging my eyeballs and the inside of my ears.  I passed out after the bees all died from leaving their stingers in my face and upper torso.  Hours (or days, I’m not sure which it was) later I awoke.  Milo was nowhere to be found.  I assumed he had gone for help.  I never saw Milo again after that, but I will always remember how he selflessly fled a massive bee attack in search of help for his wounded master.  I did see a dog that looked just like Milo in my neighbor’s yard recently.  Their kids were playing with him and he looked like he was having a ball.  So, I like to think that Milo’s spirit lives on in my neighbor’s dog (also named Milo).

One impressive feature regarding zombie culture is how authors and screenwriters are rigidly consistent (and somewhat zealous) about the characteristics of zombies.  For example, zombies lumber along and moan, (with the exception of the 28 Days Later* franchise, in which zombies sprinted) and they seek to quench and insatiable hunger for human flesh.  Also, when bitten by a zombie, you become infected and “turn.”  Finally, the only way to dispatch a zombie is through brain trauma.  Body shots might slow them down, but a shot to the head is the kill shot.

While this consistency is refreshing in once sense, it is stifling in another.  I recently submitted a zombie screenplay only to have it summarily rejected.  I followed all the zombie protocol except my zombies could drive cars and breathed fire out of their mouth’s.

*Not the one with Sandra Bullock

Zombie Walk 2010 - Curitiba © by Nivaldo Arruda

DSCN7110 © by rob_rob2001

He seemed rankled by my silence.  I didn’t have to talk, did I?  It wasn’t a requirement, was it?  Of course not.  We live in America.  I have the right to remain silent.  However, I wasn’t  being incarcerated, but I was merely trying to order lunch.  I held up to two fingers to indicate that I wanted the #2 Combo.  It looked like I was throwing up a sideways peace sign.  He blinked and made a face that wrinkled his forehead and the skin around his nose, whatever that is called (cheeks?).

 It wasn’t anything personal.  I just didn’t feel like talking and I was curious to see whether I could effectively order lunch without uttering a word.  A social experiment, if you will.   Through more gesturing and pointing at the menu items and falling just short of a full-blown game of charades I got Combo #2.  Although next time I need to know what finger to hold up to say no tartar sauce.

What if I could be beamed somewhere? It would be so great to not have to sit in my car for 10 minutes as I made the long trek to the grocery store to buy more hot pockets and bags of frozen peas.  Or what if I couln’t find the clicker (happens like five times a day), “Oh wait there it is on the floor just out of reach. Beam me the clicker Scotty!”

Yes Star Trek technology would definitely change my life.

Buddy and Chubbs © by ckay

One of the oldest mysteries in the known universe is, “What exactly started the bitter war between cats and dogs?”  There are a lot of theories and I certainly have my own, but I think it is safe to say that it must have originated from some type of betrayal.  I like to think at one time cats and dogs lived in peace and may have even worked together to build a better world (the pyramids).  Maybe it was the dogs that instigated the whole conflict or maybe it was the cats?  The point is we don’t know who to blame.  Maybe it was man who created the conflict and the cats and dogs are just innocent bystanders?  Like I said, we don’t know.

Even today, you have your  cat lovers, and your dog lovers (people).  These two types of people don’t get along and this hatred and conflict was instrumental in the start of Boxer Rebellion that occurred in China around the turn of the century.  History proved that the cats were mostly to blame for that one, but that is just one of many incidences.

When I think of this age old conflict it makes me sad, because alas I like both animals.  I think we could ever get the dog side and the cat side to sit down and talk through this whole thing, that it could be resolved.  However, they can’t talk and can only communicate through face and body jesters and low frequency growls and moans and hisses.  Therein lies the problem.

No these were no ordinary squirrels.  For one thing they didn’t have bushy tails and the nut turned out to be a human eyeball.  Probably from the long dead wino that they were knawing on.

© by plain_jane53177

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like living back in the colonial days of America around the time of the Revolution. The excitement in the air and all those shoes with buckles.  And then I wonder I wonder what it would have been like having the only car in the world back then.  I mean I’m laying on the horn all the time and the looks on peoples faces…priceless.

river boat © by Hungarian Snow

He was gaining speed and that was a good thing.  The flat bottom boat was cruising nicely a top the muddy water.  At this rate he’d be in New Orleans in three days.  He meandered to the front of the boat to inspect his large clownish shoes he had set out to dry. He found himself daydreaming about being reunited with Mary and the others.  Being a clown vampire was much more lonely than he ever imagined.  Something squeaked.

Thomas Edison And Henry Ford © by Tom Raftery

Blaming Henry Ford for all the car accidents doesn’t hold up logically.  I mean, that would be like blaming me for stealing your fruit basket.  Your delicious fruit basket that was just sitting on your door step as I walked by. (With your name on it).

1. Super-Drip:  Can pull any coffee pot out while brewing and the coffee maker automatically stops.  He doesn’t spill a drip/drop.
2. Guess Your Weight Man:  Can accurately guess the wait of any live mammal.
3. The Finisher: has the ability to finish other peoples sentences.

Working title of screenplay is called: 

The Avengers

I remember one fall when I was a little kid, we had just moved into a new neighborhood and one night some kids came to my house dressed as monsters asking for food. My dad shot his pistol in the air a couple of times and they scattered like rats. Some monsters they were.

© by Scott & Elaine van der Chijs

Introduction

When I was your age, I might have felt and looked younger, but I was just as dumb as you are right now.  I used to think, “Wouldn’t it be nice if life had an instruction book?”  “And wouldn’t it be nice if those instructions came in my native language so I wouldn’t have to rifle through an owner’s manual in French and Spanish?”  Well you are in luck.  I have taken the time to write just such an instruction manual, and not only that, but in your own native language (not French).  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I do have many of the answers.  Once again these answers are in your own language, so you are sure to understand them. Unless you are from Canada.

I want you to relax and enjoy the wisdom of this book.  You are very lucky to get the benefit of all of my life experience.  You don’t have to go through all the pain and turmoil and miserable failure that I have experienced and continue to experience daily.  I’m talking about debilitating, gut wrenching failure and despair.  You will be saved from this, by me.  This priceless wisdom is what you get for buying this book.  If you checked this book out of the library or borrowed it from a friend, please don’t return it.  If you keep the book, then your friend or the library will have to replace it.  If they have to replace it, then that means I just sold another book, unless of course they decided to replace it with a better book by another author with better answers to life’s questions.  If you do get such a better book, please let me “borrow” it.  As I mentioned before, I struggle with daily debilitating failure.  I’m so confused about life and even accomplishing the most insignificant and simple task is a struggle for me.  Learn from me and don’t repeat my mistakes.  Are you excited?  You should be, because you are in for a real treat.  Your life is about to change.  But seriously about the book that I was talking about earlier that is way better than this book; I really would like to get a copy of that.

How to use this book:

This book is organized to make the reader’s experience rewarding, enjoyable, but most of all beneficial.  I have deliberately arranged letters into words and have placed them in lines, phrases, and sentences in which you can draw meaning and be entertained.   The reason I wrote this book was you.  I wanted you to buy this book and so I could make gobs money.  Green, filthy, money.  I realize that this statement sounds selfish, but I really want to be honest with you.  If nothing else, I want you to know that I’m not interested in telling you want you want to hear just so you’ll like me.  I wouldn’t do that to my new very best friend. 

While I certainly want to earn money from the pain and toil I suffered while writing this book (and daily life in general), just as important as all the wealth I’ll amass from this volume alone, is the thrill I get when I tell people I’m a published author. When I throw that in their face and taunt them mercilessly with it.  That is almost as good as the money. 

So with you in mind I decided to discuss the following topics:  Pets, Money, Home Fix-its, Time Travel, Clothing, Restaurants, the Future, Movie & TV, Career and Relationships.  If you just carve out two hours from each day to read and re-read this book, I promise you your life will change, and remember I wouldn’t lie to my very best friend.

You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to know that this is climate change pure and simple.

P.S It is also cold in Target near the froze food section, but I don’t think this is related to climate change.

Also, it is very windy, but I’m comfortable in my suit.  Think I might have lost weight in hyper-sleep as I now have to where a belt to keep my space pants from falling off.  First day at work tomorrow (Pet Store).  I’m nervous.  Think my watch is wrong.  Not sure how many hours we are behind (or ahead) of Earth Central Time.  I worry about a bee getting in my helmet and me freaking out.  Haven’t seen any bees yet.

However, I have noticed that in my mind I think about how good it will feel to just do nothing, but then the reality of actually doing it (nothing) creates a slug like feeling that does not feel good and can even be a little depressing.  Also, it may have something to do with the fact that I’m currently in jail.  (See this post for why).

38 - night chores © by tourist_on_earth

The wave of relief comes when you remember that you do all your ironing and kerosene soaking at your neighbors house/ kitten rescue shelter.  Whew….!

House fire © by f2n_downtown

While is premises his noble, it is flawed.  In his scenario, the same quantity food is needed to feed the world.  However, when the shrinking machine is invented (actually very basic designs are available now:  AP-5540) the best thing to do is to shrink the people needing the food.  If you shrunk a whole village they could feast on a single spaghetti noodle for a week (like a bunch on Makah Indians on a beached whale).  One noodle could save the whole village from starvation.

My other favorite childhood game was called “Knock-over the liquor store”  It was a lot like Red Rover, but involved handguns and of course a liquor store.

I tell myself that I will ration my food.  Only a dozen crackers every twenty minutes.  Who knows, my journey could take days?  Antarctica, Canada, Ecuador, who knows where I’ll end up? So I set sail on my journey to a new land and new life.  Will they have cheese in crackers in this new life?  I don’t know.  No one knows.  Something like that can’t be known.  I have cheese and crackers now, but will I have them in the future.  I think I will, but I can’t say for certain.   How long is twenty minutes anyway? Tummy is growling.  Should have brought water.

I haven’t created any yet.  That is where you come in.  I’m giving you the idea for free, and you create and sell the Stick-ems.  Only thing, is you have to send me 50% of the money.  This a great deal.  I did all the brainwork and now you just have to make the Stick-ems.  Remember that some people will lick them a lot and some people will barely lick them at all.  That is probably the very first thing you should have your scientist look at.  Please send the money right away as soon as you get.  Don’t lick any of the money.

So I decided the next best thing would be to have best friend who was a celebrity.  Again, I have high expectations.  I didn’t pick someone easy like Tom Hanks or Johnny Carson, I picked from the A list of A list.  That’s right, Mr. Joe Rogan.  After he soared to stardom in the 1990′s sitcom News Radio he just kept building the legend by knocking it out the park with Fear Factor.  I’m not sure Hollywood has seen or ever will see a star shine so bright and for so long.  What a gift Joe Rogan has been to the world.

I was convinced that nothing would deter me from becoming Joe’s best friend.  If I had to leave my house or make a couple of calls, I was committed.  It was my destiny to be friends, NO, best friends with Joe Rogan.  Turns out you have to make more than a couple of calls and leave home a lot in order to become best friends with Joe Rogan.  So I decided to become best friends with my financial planner Ted Burnkoski.  He looks like Joe and he made me eat a bug once.

Tonight he is coming over to put m in a glass coffin.

Ted Burnkoski, CFP

Goofy © by Anna Majkowska

photo © 2010 Matthew Yeo | more info (via: Wylio)

1. Don’t poke at it with your hand, use a stick.
2. Don’t taunt the fire.
3. Don’t blow on the fire.  This is kind of confusing, because you blow out candles and matches, but don’t blow on really big fires.
4. Don’t ignore fire.
5. Don’t feel sorry for fire.
6. Don’t put animals in charge of fire.

Notice in the picture above the young lady is running with fire.  This is something you don’t do, unless you have a motorcycle cop right behind you.  There really aren’t many things you can’t do when you have a motorcycle cop behind you.

My father tried to cheer me up by telling me that I had other cousins and maybe next time when one came to live with us, we wouldn’t have to sell him like we did Corny.  I was still sad, though, because I think Corny stole my baseball.

Corny is on the right. He wore that brown hat to cover his large ears. Last I heard he was a lawyer in Stamford, Connecticut. He recently rejected my friend request on Facebook. He is still mad that we sold him.

Picture below was Me-Maw’s “house”

Shipwreck © by beyond20khz

1. Devote and entire episode from a Walker’s point of view.  Wouldn’t necessarily have to interact with existing cast, but kind of a day in the life of.
2. Have one of the characters discover that they are immune from the disease?
3. Have a Walker using a tool or peice of machinery – that would kind of creep us out a little more.  Are they smarter than we think?
4. Introduce a recurring character named “Veggie” a non-meat eating zombie.
5. Add a laugh track to one episode.

Bugs Bunny vs. Gremlin (139/365) © by JD Hancock

If a alien space craft landed in New York City and the ships gang plank slowly lowered in a cacophony of smoke, mist, and lights.  I think it would be great if he/she/it said, “I must of made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”  Then we’d all have a good laugh before we blew him/her/them up with our nuclear weapons.

We had been at the shooting range for just a few minutes when I realized (after a lot of yelling) that we wouldn’t be hunting actual human targets.  I wouldn’t say I was overly disappointed, but now all the trash talk in the parking lot and winging one of the “hunted” seemed in poor taste at best.

Target © by runran