Mr. Awesome

Am I awesome?  If by awesome you mean incontinent, then yes, by all means, I am awesome!

Rating 2.00 out of 5

Diaper Dan

He lived across the street and everyone called him “Diaper Dan.”  I guess this was some sort of ironic cruel nickname that was hung him because he was anything but dapper. His clothes were were frumpy and wrinkled and he was basically a disheveled mess every time I saw him.  Or, his nickname may have been from the fact that it was common knowledge that he wore diapers.

Dapper Dans in their Halloween outfits and Birney © by Loren Javier

Rating 3.00 out of 5

Freddy Crabber

Mike wasn’t angry a Jen because of what she said, it was the way that she said it and the fact that she had skinned and eaten his hermit crab Freddy.

Rating 3.00 out of 5

My Bucket List 2.0

Sorry for my recent hiatus from posting.  I’ve been busy with some other projects.  One of those projects included carrying lots of buckets of water up a steep hill in the woods.  That task inspired this blog post/open letter.

Dear Mark,

Here are seven things you should not do when you see someone carrying heavy buckets of water:

  1. Don’t tackle that person.  This causes them to lose all the water and really hurts when they hit the ground.
  2. Don’t kick them in the ribs after you tackle them.
  3. Don’t taunt them.
  4. Don’t jab them in the kidney with a sharp stick.
  5. Don’t put the bucket on their head and wail on it with a stick – that is disrespectful and can cause permanent hearing damage.
  6. Don’t roll them into the cave where Killer Bear lives.
  7. Don’t fill their bucket with a fresh ant bed that you dug up and then pour it on them as they are writhing in pain from the jabs to the kidneys.
Rating 3.00 out of 5

Off the Hook

I am way too easy on people and let them off the hook all too often.  I guess I’m just too nice for my own good.  I should probably hold people more accountable for their actions and bad behavior instead of just giving them a pass.  It seems I’m always the one apologizing, even when it is you who called the cops after I borrowed your car.  If we did know each other I’d like to think we would be friends, but after this latest stunt of “pressing charges” I’m not so sure.  Also I like this video.

Pulled Over Pizza Man 030_06 © by cygnus921

Rating 3.00 out of 5

True Grit 2

I recently posted a movie review on the feature film Unstoppable. I enjoyed this type writing and received positive feeback from all of my readers. Therefore, I’ve decided to write another “entertainment” related post. I’m writing a preemptive review on the movie True Grit, based on the previews I’ve seen.

The movie stars Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon (Mystic Pizza) and is remake of the 1969 classic western True Grit 1. True Grit 1, starred John Wayne as a tough as nails U.S. Marshall (Ricky Grit) who teams up with a remarkably clean and well dressed Glen Campbell as the upstart Texas Ranger with a point to prove. They track down bandits in the wilds of 1890′s Montana and bring them to justice.

The remake (True Grit 2) follows the same plot, but features Jeff Bridges as John Wayne. Bridges recently did outstanding work in Crazy Heart and channels some that character’s drunken slurred speech into this portrayal of Ricky Grit. The movie is set in 1973 in Alpharetta Georgia and is action packed from start to finish. Written and directed by the Cohen brothers, (No Country for Old Men), Josh Brolin also makes a cameo appearance as a reluctant villain and general store clerk.  [**SPOILER ALERT**] He is quickly dispatched in the first 37 seconds of the movie, but is expected to get major Oscar buzz. Bottom line: True Grit 2 is the best Matt Damon movie of the year and John Wayne would be proud of True Grit 2.  Jeff Bridges is also in Tron.

Rating 3.00 out of 5

“Ello – Welcome to the Wal-Mart”

As I mentioned I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been knee deep in other projects.  After I recovered from the bucket incident, I got a job as a greeter at Wal-mart.  Unfournately, not only am I no longer “employed” there, but I’m not allowed within 200 feet of the premises.

Basically, after a few days on the job, I decided to class up the place by greeting people in a thick English accent. “Ello, welcome to Wal-mart, auh (are) you lookin for some figgy puddin, auh (are) you? The patrons loved this (one guy even shoved me to the floor), but my boss, not so much.

However, within a week I was terminated and escorted off the premises by two English bobbies (touché).  My boss cited my frequent profanity laced tyraids and all the shoplifting I was doing, but I’m pretty sure no one knew of about those things, so my best guess is that he hated the English accent.

Rating 3.00 out of 5
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